4 Levels Of Love

A Peek Into the Future

“The problem with larger object is that their mass is simply too dense.” O’Connell said. “We just don’t have a sufficient power source to move, let’s say, a mouse. You saw what happened to the snails. Moving an entire human being is simply beyond our capability.”

“How much power do you need?” I asked.

“We need the equivalent of how much energy the Sun can generate in a year! There is nothing on earth that can equal the output we need, not even the power of 1000 nuclear generators,” he said pointing to a series of complex formulas on the white board. “I’ve been working on this for five years.”

“Wow! Listen, I have a problem and you are the only one who can help me.” I explained to him our ability to look into future and what we saw. He was intrigued enough to go back with us to the Black Box and look into the future for himself.

 —————-

O’Connell gazed into the binoculars, “This is simply amazing. This is not science; it is a freaking Joseph Smith miracle!

“Ah… we’re not Mormons.”

“I don’t care what your religion is. Jesus Christ! I’m looking 50,000 years into the freaking future!” After the amazement wore off and the reality of the future problem set in O’Connell agreed that we had to figure out some way to actually see what the problem was, I mean is, I mean, will be. “Listen, I have an idea how we may be able to actually peek into the future. It may take me a few months, but…” there was a pregnant pause, “I think we can do this.”

To be continued

I Love You – Bryan Martin

What L.O.V.E. Does

                I fell in love with basketball in the eighth grade when I played on the school team. I remember the rush of air as I ran down court to set up a play. As a kid I was amazed by the tricks some older ball players performed, like balancing a spinning basketball on their finger tip. I must have tried for hours to get that ball to balance on my finger before I was able to keep it spinning for more than a few seconds. As long as I was able to generate enough spin I could keep that ball balanced. Gravity was always and forever applying pressure on the ball in a relentless attempt to knock it off my finger and to the ground. Nevertheless, as long as I kept the ball spinning it defied gravity.

                That is was love does for relationships; it supplies the spin that keeps relationships balanced under the relentless pressure of life.

                Imagine that your relationship is a basketball like sphere spinning on a point, like a finger (It would be extremely helpful if you take a blank piece of paper and draw this circular object spinning on a point. Make the sphere about four inches wide to give you plenty of room). There are four, only four, gravity like pressures bearing down on it. Above the circle in the upper left quadrant at about 10 o’clock draw a bold arrow pointing toward the circle as if it was applying pressure to the circle. Label that arrow “Economy”. Next, in the upper right quadrant at 2 o’clock make a similar bold arrow and label it “F.O.O and Friends” (F.O.O stands for Family Of Origin). Next, make a bold arrow in the lower right quadrant at 4 o’clock pointing up toward the circle and label it “Health.” Finally, make and the last bold arrow at 8 o’clock in the lower left quadrant and label it “Culture.” The Economy, your family of origin and friends, your health, and culture are the four gravity-like forces constantly, relentlessly, mercilessly bearing down on you and your relationships. You feel them, don’t you?

                The Economy is any money-related pressure in your life. It is your job, the world-wide economic situations, the cost of goods and products, your housing and everything else in your life that relates to money. Everybody knows that money is one of the, if not the most, problematic feature of life together. Even the richest people in the world are subject to the stress of money.

                Your family of origin and your friends are another huge pressure. It may be your children, your parents, your siblings or your spouse but the needs and wants of family exert TREMENDOUS pressure on every life in every culture.

                Health issues effect or will have an emotional/financial impact on every                family. What is worse than having a seriously ill child? Diabetes, heart disease, cancer, accidents and injuries touch every home, not to mention mental illness. Being bi-polar, having schizophrenia, character pathology or having a family member with addiction problems is unbearable. It is amazing to me how well so many families cope.

                You are probably not aware of the insidious nature of culture’s power and effect on your life. Culture will direct your thinking, and make you chose options to conform to its powerful influence. It is insidious because it is largely unseen, yet it is constantly present, and manipulative. Where you live, the schools your children attend, the car you drive, your style of clothing, where you shop, your hair color and style, body art, make up, cologne, shoes, political orientation, how white your teeth are and religion are all subject to the culture or the sub culture you live in.

                I said that culture is insidious but that is only true if you are subject to culture’s power. If you have figured out how to use culture then it is an incredible tool. It will help you get whatever you want. Please note that I refer to culture as a “tool.” The “toolness” of culture merely demonstrates that culture does NOT have personhood, neither is it divine. It is like a hammer that can be used for good or evil. I don’t despise culture, I despise the way some people and institutions use it to suppress, control and manipulate other people. I admire culture brokers who use it for the benefit of others. Some say Microsoft cofounder Bill Gate has manipulated the tax laws (read “culture) by funneling billions of dollars to the non-profit Bill and Melinda Gates Foundation. He did so legally in order to carry out his philanthropic vision to help some of the world’s poorest people. Gates may be the uber-culture broker.

On the other hand some (not all) religious institutions, governments, and corporations continue to suppress and manipulate their constituency with archaic or repressive ideas and policies which merely perpetuate and benefit the hierarchy, sometimes invoking the name of god. Who can argue with god?

                In spite of their grip on tradition cultures are always changing. Some change painfully slow as the beliefs, values and practices of the culture are subjected to more powerful cultures, but they all change. When you read the news and watch trends you can see this phenomenon happening with major social issues as values morph over time. The civil rights movement in the United States is an example of how deeply rooted aspects of culture change over time. Another example is the role of women in the workplace. America is in the midst of a huge cultural battle over same sex marriage. Homosexuality has made huge inroads in American culture. Youth sub-cultures continue to question established cultural boundaries. Not all cultural changes are good and tradition wins many battles in the culture wars.

                Just for the fun of it, let me ask you. What aspect of culture exerts the most pressure on you (positive and negative)? Is it the culture at your work? Is it your religion? Is it your ethnicity of origin?

What is the most positive, growth oriented aspect of culture in your life?

                These four pressures, money, family and friends, health and culture bear down hard on the balancing ball that your life and relationship is. Let me tell you what happens when the pressure becomes too great.

(to be continued)

I Love you – Bryan

The Black Box

                It seemed like a hundred years went by. Nearly every day we would look through those binoculars into the future. They were always there, always waving, connecting the best they could. Frankly we were fascinated by each other and longed to know more.

                One day a huge truck backed up right in the middle of the green expanse that led to the future. Beep, beep, beep it warned people as it backed up. Then the sound of a hydraulic lift whined as it lowered a gigantic black cube on the grass. Once the black cube was on the ground the truck rolled away. People gathered around. It was like nothing ever seen. Some people wondered if it was like the Kaaba. But it wasn’t sacred, at least not as we think of sacred. It was more like a gigantic Rubik’s Cube except all the sides and windows were black. Most people just stayed away from it, except for the kids. Some of them were playing handball against it, until their mother’s made them stop. It was the only thing on the grassy slope that made shade and some of the teens took advantage of the coolness of the shade. One day one of the kids pried open one of the lower panels and slipped inside. Pretty soon more and more of them got inside and played video games like Halo and Grand Theft Auto. Others enjoyed the Super Mega IMAX 75 Movie Theater. Crowds attended soccer matches at the stadium inside the cube. This went one for many years and nobody seemed to notice that the cube had grown. It consumed a huge patch in the grass and it must have been 1000 feet tall. It was so big that the only way you could see the future was if you climbed to the top of the cube. Nobody did though. There were just too many opportunities inside the cube.

One day several of us were fishing by the lake inside the cube reminiscing about all the fun things we use to do. “Do you remember when we use to look through those binoculars into the future?” Frankly with so much going on none of us had even thought about them. It had been so many years. “We need to do that again. I feel guilty not connecting with our descendants in the future.” So we started up the top of the cube where, we reasoned, we would have a better view. It took us several weeks of climbing. We stopped along the way at a casino and took advantage of the spa there. I needed a pedicure anyway. We got lost and had to ask a docent at the Museum of Art where the roof access was. When we finally reached the top and open the hatch the wind was blowing so hard that we had a difficult time standing and it was cold. Someone handed me the binoculars and with excitement and expectation I lifted them to my eyes.

There was smoke and flames! “Come here, check this out.” Everybody took a turn and confirmed what I saw. “Do you see anybody?” We scanned the horizon and finally we saw them. They were waving flags, and firing red flares. This was nothing like the joyful connection we had before. We took turns looking and tried to imagine what was happening. Was there a war? We stayed a long as we could on top of the cube waving trying to let them know that were concerned. But the wind was so strong and cold that we had to get back into the cube.

We congregated in the lobby of the museum brainstorming our options. Somebody mentioned a young physicist from Santa Barbara who had invented a time machine. So we decided to visit him and see if we could arrange to go to the future and see what the problem was and how we could help.

A few days later we found ourselves out of the cube and on the way to Santa Barbara.  Aaron O’Connell’s office was on the outer edge of the University campus in a small brick building with a tall cell tower like structure next to it. I saw O’Connell on TED.com and was aware of his time travel work. “Actually it is not time travel,” he said incredulously. “How can I explain this,” he paused, “I built a machine that shows how subatomic particles can be in two places at one time. It is NOT a time machine.”

I protested, “Well, that is sort of like time travel. A particle can be here and somewhere else in the universe at the same time. Isn’t that essentially travel through time and space in an instant?

He explained that there was a fundamental flaw in my thinking. “Besides,” he said, “we are talking about subatomic material here not people…” there was a pregnant pause, “yet.”

There was something behind his “yet” and I persisted. What do you mean “yet?”

“Well,” his already boyish look was accentuated by his coy desire to tell somebody what was really going on it that lab. His ultimate goal was to take complex groups of particles, like people, and have them be here and on some life supporting extra-solar planet at the same time. But that was just a dream and it was clearly impossible. “It doesn’t work with the laws of physics.” He went on to explain that they had be playing with snails and even mice with only “some” progress. “We have killed a lot of snails. They just blow up in the machine.”

(to be continued)

I Love you- Bryan Martin

The E

                The E is for Eternity. E is the God and existential component of love. Here is a great story; I was working at the Veteran Hospital in Fresno as Chaplain when I was called to the ICU, STAT. When I arrived it was not an emergency. It was an old Navy Chief who knew how to push all the right buttons. He had a bad medical scare and ended up in the ICU with a new diagnosis, stage four cancer. He was “officially” terminally ill. “They give me four to six months, but this is the end.” His already wrinkled 80 year old face was creased deep with worry. “I don’t know what to do next.” He reassured me that he wasn’t concerned with the afterlife. What worried him the most was how to live the rest of his life. 

                I thought that was a very cool question. This was not your everyday, “I-think-I’m-going-to-die-can-you-pray-with-me kind of patient. He was worried about ending well.

                “Tell me your story,” I said with assertiveness matching his. Then for the next while he regaled me with the kind of stories Oscar winning movies are made of. When he paused for a breath I stopped him. “Okay, this is what you have to do.” Then like a physician prescribing medicine I said, “You have to record your story for your family and your descendants.”

                He looked Navy Chief seriously, “Okay, how do I do that?” as if he accepted the orders of his commanding officer.  I gave him as many options as I could think of and when I finished I wished him the best and left him.

                Six months later I was call up to the medical floor to visit a patient. You guessed it, it was my Chief. He coloring was greyish, he had lost a lot of weight, and he was short of breath. But there was a peace over him. “Are you the Chaplain I spoke to six months ago in the ICU?” he barked out. I told him I was the one. “I want to tell you something,” he said firmly as a smile started to appear on his face. “You gave me something to live for. I did exactly as you told me.”  He went on to tell me that he had video recorded his life story for his family and descendants and he was so happy with the way it turned out. He left his family with a legacy they would never forget. He was satisfied. He thanked me profusely.

                Several weeks later the hospice chaplain called me. Chief was actively dying and wanted to see me. I drove to his home for a final visit. They had him on a significant dose of morphine but he recognized me and smiled. “I have something for you.” He point to a framed photo of Mother Teresa and Pope John Paul II. “I want you to have this. I can’t tell you how much I appreciate what you did for me.” My prescription gave him a reason to live for the rest of his life. He died a few days later, fulfilled. I still have that photo in my office.

                Couples need a reason to live also. One of the most difficult times in a marriage is around year 20. This is when the glue of the marriage begins to wear off as the children become more and more independent and leave the house. The one strong bond, that reason for being together, that is, raising a family, comes to an end. All during those years each one is nurturing their own life and career in tandem with the family. In their own worlds each has their own network of friends, colleagues and relationships. They grow apart, except for the common attachment of the kids. One morning they wake up and say, “You know, having a family was a great experience, but I really don’t know you that well anymore. Besides, I have this whole network of relationships of friends that I really like, and frankly, I would rather be with them. I think it is time for us to move on. Let’s keep in touch.”

                Frequently it doesn’t happen that nicely. Often there is an affair. Or it gets plain nasty, full of the demons of the slippery slope; complaining, criticism and, as Gottman notes, the huge red flag, contempt. Drama happens. Some people cannot see it coming, others are happy when it is finally over. All this because they lost their emOtional connection along the way. Their Darwinian purpose of reproducing and make the world save for their offspring has been completed. What remains is irrelevancy and the slow descent into oblivion. Isn’t that a pleasant thought?

                Many couples overcome this existential couple angst by traveling, belonging to social clubs together, being involved in their faith communities, focusing on the grand kids, working together and so on.  But the issue is; how will couples find meaning for the rest of their married life.

                Let me make this personal. What gives you the E in your relationship? What is the big picture? What is your couple “Why”? I would like to suggest that you discover your couple meaning for life. You are blessed to have a million options. Perhaps you could pray for direction.

                Please allow me a caveat here. This problem is not a problem for many people in the world where they struggle with poverty or live in regions preoccupied with political conflict. There the problem remains day to day survival. Even in more developed countries, like my own, there is a huge population of those who do not have the luxury of experiencing existential couple angst. Like my own family of origin survival is the glue that keeps couples together.

I realize that I am writing to those blessed enough to have severe existential angst. I sincerely hope that the needs of the world and future generations will drive people to loving action. In the course of helping others the angst will be cured and people will be strengthen in their relationships. You will be fulfilling your eternal destiny and you will feel satisfied with your life when you have meaning for life together. Your help is desperately needed.

This leads me to the second part of the Vision.

(to be continued)

I love you, Bryan

The V

The V is easy to remember. V stands for Victory. At weddings I like to take a poll as I address the congregation. Here is how it works. Early in the ceremony I ask if the families of the couple give their prayerful blessing and loving support to the couple. In the old days at this point in the wedding they use to give the bride away, “Who gives this woman to be married to this man?” Whenever I hear that a wedding (some people actually still use this line!) I want to jump up and scream, “Hey! Women are not chattel or slaves to be given away! What is the matter with you!” I want to slap that preacher. But we cannot do that either.

Once we secure the families’ blessing I poll the congregation by asking, “Friends and loved ones, will you do everything in your power to uphold and support these two as they begin their new life together.” The proper response, of course, is “We will.” But at virtually every wedding there is usually little or no response. I expect that because the congregation has not been trained or coach on how to respond. I use this lack of response for some education…and a little fun. I dramatically roll my eyes up acting frustrated and dismayed, turn to the Groom and state, “I thought you said you invited your friends to the wedding,” which, practically every time, gets a chuckle out of the congregation. Then with a big smile on my face I say this:

“Seriously, if you have been married for more than a few days you know how challenging marriage is. You all have heard the bad marriage statistics. You know how challenging the economy is. Then there are the family problems that always slip in. This fact is a certain truth; John and Mary will need your loving support and encouragement, just like you needed encouragement in your marriage. So let me ask you again, and let me hear your hardy response. Will all of you gather here today do everything in your power to support and encourage John and Mary in their new life together?”

The response this time is resounding.

                Marriage IS challenging. There are four universal pressures which are as relentless as gravity and constantly exert their destabilizing power upon relationships. They are money, extended family, health, and culture (more about these later). When couples do not fight these forces together then they fight each other. But, standing back to back, and with the right weapons, couples will have long and happy marriages, in spite of the inevitable battles that are waged against them.

                The classic example is when a child has a serious accident that demands hospitalization. There are two possible responses. The bad scenario is that one spouse blames the other for the accident. The animosity is as thick as Tule fog. Not good. The good scenario is that the couple responds together to address the situation like a team of profession trouble shooters providing mutual support with resources to troubleshoot and solve every problem that comes up.

(to be continued)

I Love You — Bryan

https://docs.google.com/document/d/14CmpqinjbgBCycDL3LyM9KszWvapXvywH54J9BwsfSQ/edit?hl=en_US

https://docs.google.com/document/d/1RgmFuOBPXXCB-b5lBBbh-SUTqmXKN231G1z0Ec1XD6Y/edit?hl=en_US

https://docs.google.com/document/d/1NigG_WXEOlp9I4SlGn_3fcBu4gnR3xzIh8_nOp4M6b4/edit?hl=en_US

https://docs.google.com/document/d/1vtsQn_sSndTZbIvvn-ry1rr5Bh9hlqP2ieXBspdOc6k/edit?hl=en_US

Here is the Fresno Bee Article
Read more: http://www.fresnobee.com/2011/06/17/2431459/a-grandfathers-lessons-reach-across.html#ixzz1PjdAYipl

You will never guess what the O stands for. Do not even try. It is a symbol, actually it is a picture. Imagine you and your lover standing together at the marriage altar. The preacher tells you to face each other, join hands and gaze intently into each other’s eyes just before he or she leads you through your vows. Now, since in my story you can be at two places at one time, imagine that you are instantly transported to heaven where, with God, you are looking down upon you and your lover standing there. From God’s perspective what you see is your circle of love and the deep connection you are sharing at that moment as the two of you join hands, face each other and gaze intently into each other’s eyes. Can you see it? Your circle of love is the O. It is your emOtional connection. The O stands for your emOtional connection.

I maintain that you cannot have a loving relationship without an emOtional connection. By definition your loving relationship has empathy, compassion, passion, personal sacrifice, longing and desire. In fact you can measure the health of a relationship by measuring the depth of the emotional connection. The number two way to sustain, grow and develop a loving relationship is to maintain a strong emotional connection. This is a trick because it requires deliberate intention, this in spite of the extremely passionate and whimsical start that most relationships enjoy.

Let’s face it, that early courtship and commitment phase of relationships is hormone driven, especially for young couples. When I look into the love struck eyes of a young couple about to get married I can see that their brains are floating in a bath of hormones. You probably always thought those were tears of joy dripping from the young couple’s eyes. Hormones! Yep. Have you ever tried to reason with or talk to a hormone? Holy cow! I believe in miracles, but apparently this is an exception. One reason I give young couples my book is for when the hormones subside a little and that can think clearly about their relationship maybe then they will read the book and get some good advice.

However, young couples give us a clue as to how this emOtional connection happens, beyond the hormones.

As a young couple Jennifer and I spent a lot of time dreaming together. Before Joanna was even born (so you know we were very young) we dreamed about what we want for our children. I can still remember that there were three specific items we wanted for them. We wanted our children to love and experience the goodness of God. Second, we wanted them to be responsible, involve, concerned, loving neighbors and citizens. Finally, we wanted them have a sense of personal master, competence and to feel good about their self as they made their contribution to the world. As a young couple we actually thought about them before they were born and planned for them. We loved them while they were still stuck in time to be. Jennifer and I did a lot of dreaming together, which is probably one of the reasons that our relationship has be able to withstand the test of time.

As an aside, let me say that our dream for our children was fulfilled and they turned out great! We probably have deprived the world by not having more children. I tried, but my pleading with Jennifer just fell on deaf ears. She said that it would be too weird to have grandchildren older than our new children. I love Jennifer, but when it comes to having more children, I think she is a party pooper. I don’t think there is anything wrong with the title “Gramie Momma.” Our adult children are marvelous people, not perfect (we never thought they would be), but rich in all the things we hoped for.

Back to the O; it is this dreaming together that makes the relationship strong. In Fun Loving I ask couples to sit down with a calendar and plot out special times together. Frequently couples complain that they can’t afford to do anything together. That kind of limited thinking needs to be corrected. Jennifer and I block off every Saturday morning on our calendar. We rise early go for a walk, or bike ride, or go to the gym or get some kind of exercise together. Then we come home and I make Belgian waffles (healthy ones, with milled flax seed, oats, walnuts, honey and fresh fruit).  We look forward to our special time. Plotting special times on your calendar is a simple form of dreaming together. Plot your days off, special get a ways, and vacations and so on.

I am a big Dave Ramsey fan. So I will tell you that some of the best dreaming you can do is financially dreaming. Money is the number one issue for many couples. Having a comprehensive financial plan and working it together, and watching the plan unfold before your eyes is one of the greatest experiences a couple can have. Can you image being debt free and never having to worry about money? What a great dream! When you dream about financial freedom and work the steps together to get there then you are engaging in dreaming together and deepening your emotional connection. What will you do with your life when you have financial freedom?

So, it is like this; your shared dreams can include your future children, your financial freedom, or your Belgian waffles on Saturday morning. Mine are the best.

WARNING! If you have little or no emOtional connection with your lover you have serious problems and your relationship is in danger. Apathy and disengagement are clear signs of trouble. I believe that most relationships can restore weak or lost emotional connections by applying Little Things and listening to the wants, desire and dreams of the other. If your relationship has little emotional connection seek help, it can be an easy fix, in spite of what you may think.

(to be continued)

Hello Beloved, my summer story continues. I value your comments and suggestions. To help the best, be specific. This is and unedited draft (Cindy…lol)

 I would be willing to wager a dollar that you are wondering what the L stands for. You are probably thinking something like “listening.” That would be a good guess, wrong, but good. The L, as any couple I have married in the last fifteen years can tell you, stands for “Little things.” The research about how little things positively impact relationships has blown up in the last decade. My expereince with little things has beeen fabulous.

The littlest thing that I can do for Jennifer is to rub her feet with lotion. I will be brutally honest and tell you, and the whole world, that rubbing Jennifer’s feet with lotion is NOT on my top ten list of favorite things to do in the world. But it brings her such delight that her Ooos and Ahhhs simply make me want to rub with vigor and enthusiasm. If you would have told me that being married to Jennifer meant rubbing her feet I would have said, “Yeh, right!” If you would have told me that making her feel loved, appreciated and feel good all over, was as easy as rubbing her feet, then I would have signed up for it in a flash. It is such a little thing, yet it means so much.

In “Fun Loving” I actually have several categories for little things. The short list includes kind words, loving deeds, smiles and a positive attitude. The longer list includes extraordinary acts of chivalry, special gifts, and pleasant surprises. John Gottman says that one of the most remarkable characteristics of lasting loving relationships is that they are overwhelmingly positive. The exact formula is five positive exchanges for every one negative exchange. I say just eliminate the negativity in your relationship. Little things are the best way to do something positive.

One of the greatest little things is just paying attention. This means responding to “bids” for attention. Let me explain.

If you know me you know I am a Yosemite freak. Yosemite Valley is like God’s Cathedral to me. You know that line in the 23^rd Psalms that says, “And I shall dwell in the house of the Lord forever?” For me, that would be Yosemite.

One morning Jennifer and I were having breakfast in the cafeteria at Yosemite Lodge. Tourists from all over the world were there. It was like a Pentecostal experience because you could hear tongues and languages from all over the world at the next table over. It was exciting and full of energy, except for the middle aged couple sitting a table away from us.

Here we were in one of the most beautiful settings in the entire world and this man was reading the Fresno Bee. That is not saying anything bad about the Bee, but, give me a break. We were in paradise! Smell the roses, dude! Worse, he used the paper to completely block off his wife. It was like a huge brick wall between him and her. She, on the other hand, was nursing a miserable bowl of cold oatmeal.  She would stir her gruel and look up hopefully to maybe catch his attention. That act of looking up to catch his attention is called a “bid” for attention. He ignored her. She would clear her throat, another bid. She tapped her bowl with her spoon, another bid. She would sigh loudly, another bid. Finally, in total dejection and rejections she put her head down and gave up. The entire time he rejected every bid. I wanted to get up from my table and give him a bid…right across the back of his head!

Contrast that with the table just on the other side of us, young family visiting Yosemite from Europe. I could not understand their language, but understanding was not necessary. Their exchange was dynamic! They were all talking at one time. Eyes focused on each other. When one wanted more attention (a bid) he would tap an arm and get an immediate response. They were smiling and laughing, interrupting each other, speaking directly to the other. There is one word that described their bidding process; positive.

The point is this; paying attention and responding to bids positively is one of the greatest little things one can do. There is no end to the little things that can be done in any relationship and the effect is dramatic. Little things are THE foundation of a loving relationship.

I Love You — Bryan

to be continued

I learned about love in the arms my high school sweetheart. It is unfathomable to me, now, that a fifteen year old girl would know ANYTHIING about life and love. But after what we have been through in our decades long marriage it leads me to no other conclusion; Jennifer is the uberlove-teacher. Having said that, I am not sure I was the best student. Life drove me back to school, literally, over and over again. Sometimes it was like the Groundhogs day movie of education.

One of the best love school experiences was as a parish minister helping young couples with their weddings. Armed with a the solid professional education required of professional clergy (I had a spectacular classical ministry education at Fuller Theological Seminary where I received my Master of Divinity) and the additional tools I acquired in my Master of Arts in Marriage and Family program (I could write a book about my healing experience at the Mennonite Brethren Biblical Seminary) I knew EXACTLY how to prepare young couples for a lifetime of marital bliss. HA… and if you believe that then you are just as naïve as I was about the process.

First of all couples are NOT interest in premarital counseling. They suffer through it because it is a prerequisite for getting hitched. Young men especially could not care less about premarital counseling. They just want to get the wedding done, have a great time the wedding reception (read PARTY), and get their license to practice their nuptial privileges as frequently as possible. To this end he cooperates with he loving bride.

The brides, on the other hand, are will to participate with the male fantasy AS LONG AS THEIR OWN DREAM WEDDING COMES TRUE. I am total convinced that idea of a formal wedding has lasted so long in the history of human relationships not because of the power of the church, or the laws of the state, not even the controlling hand of family, but because of the female idea of the princess wedding. As proof of this, I present to the jury as irrefutable evidence of the wedding of William and Kate and the billions of dollars and eyes that were fixed on that event.

So if couples have to jump through the hoop of a few weeks of pre-marital counseling to get there, most couples can endure it. I use to try to teach couples communication skills. The best technology was the cybernetic feedback loop. It does not sound very interesting, does it? I would try to make it interesting by having couples sit knee to knee and parrot back what they heard the other say until they got an affirmative response from the speaker. Man, that was a frustration experience. At least it was for me. Plainly; it didn’t work.

I was never a patient marriage counselor. While listening to couples in marital therapy pour out their hearts with tears and sadness my internal dialogue was going, “Yada yada yada…why don’t you pull yourself together and just act like a friends, for Christ’ sake!” Sometime I could hardly keep my eyes open because their human drama was boring like a bad movie. I jest…some. Seriously, I know the statistics, and I understand exactly how difficult marriage relationships can be. But everything I was doing with couples seemed like an exercise in futility.

I had a break through when Jennifer and I attended one of John Gottman’s relationship workshops in Seattle. What was so good about it was that it gave me new ideas about how to present my premarital sessions. Here were tools that I could use there were not some theory about communication or about what the Bible had to say about marriage but on research based on real relationships. I was particularly drawn to the research about successful couples and what they did keep their relationship alive and healthy. So I came back to the lab of parish premarital counseling with some new ideas of how to positively impact young couples in six weeks of premarital counseling.

I decided that since people have to take a test to get their driver’s license then the very least premarital couples could do was pass my test before they married. I told them that at the marriage altar I would administer a four question test that they must pass before I administered the wedding vows. I gave them a book I wrote (with Jennifer’s help of course) just for this purpose. The book is titled “Fun Loving: How to have a practically perfect relationship.” The each chapter is, essentially, a session of premarital counseling. Further, I gave them the questions ahead of time; “What does each letter in the word L.O.V.E. stand for.” As I said, the answers are in the book.

Wow, this really transformed my sessions and it added some fun and drama to the process. I know that the last thing that a wedding needs is more drama! I could write another book called “Wedding Drama; why you want to run away and get a quickie wedding in Las Vegas.” But this was fun and a great distraction from having to find the right shoes for the all the bridesmaids. The test was fun, memorable, good education, and a hook to remember. I can see couples asking themselves on their tenth wedding anniversary, “What did the O in love stand for?”

Imagine you are attending a wedding. What would you rather do? A) Listen to another boring sermon about archaic two thousand year old marriage customs that don’t apply in the modern world or B) Watch a couple struggle through a marriage test before they can get married, and see if you can figure out the answers before they do? In the age of reality T.V. my hunch is that the latter is more interesting. 

The first time I gave the test it was a little scary for me. After the scripture reading instead of a homily I said, “Okay, it is time for the test.” Then I told the congregation what I was doing and told them I hoped the couple answered correctly so we could continue with the ceremony. “Jill,” I said directing my question specifically to the bride, what does the “L” in LOVE stand for?” Inevitably she would answer correctly, I would explain briefly the importance of L in a marriage and move to the “O”. It doesn’t take any more time than a homily no one will remember and it draws the entire congregation into the process. Frankly, it is genius.